The Week in Bullshit, March 20, 2014 Edition

By The Digger

The Week in Bullshit, March 20, 2014 Edition – Because there’s too much bullshit to analyze one issue at a time.

Welcome to the inaugural edition of what I hope becomes a weekly feature here at Paradox Polemics, The Week in Bullshit. Often I encounter bullshit that is either too trivial, or fringe, to seriously treat with a complete rebuttal. But this bullshit still captivates people, and shouldn’t be left steaming without a cool hosing from the spigot of reality.

Item 1 The internet has been hijacked by a global secret government, and we’ll all soon be publicly praising fascism, or lose our internet privileges (Bullshit courtesy of Infowars.com).

I'm PISSED!

Alex Jones courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Kurt Nimmo, a shill for Alex Jones’ Infowars website, has a new piece up on the doom of the internet. Before I have a little fun at the expense of a group whose medications are waiting at the state hospital, I should point out that everything on the Infowars website follows the Alex Jones Theorem. That theorem projects as follows: All information intrinsically points to horrifying conclusions. When I read that the U.S. Commerce Department was going to release its dominating grip around the throat of ICANN, my first thought was to head over to Infowars to see what the most irrational and overheated reaction would be, so that I could properly regulate my own concerns in context.

Disclosure: I’m not a fan of international governing bodies. On the other hand, I’m not a big fan of any U.S. governing body either, which means that governance is a problem for me when it comes to speech, not the people doing the governing. True to form, the boys over at Infowars have this painted as the end of free speech on the internet, and the Obama Administration’s collusion with the Illuminati. Here’s the summary for those who have had breakfast and want to keep it down:

The UN and EU have sketched out how the future internet will work. Now that ICANN has relinquished control of the medium, globalist institutions can move forward with plans to scrub the internet of all content unacceptable to the global elite and their apparatchiks at the United Nations and, as well, turn it into a revenue generating cash cow.

Yeah, that German fisting porn, pages of “cute cat pics,” TMZ and most corporate online news sources all serve as bastions of freedom for us lowly commoners. And it’s a damned good thing that none of those sites are in it for the money. The internet should be about freedom for all and an outlet for the truth about secret moon bases, which it is now.

So they’re just going to pretend that the Federal Bureau of Investigation hasn’t closed a site or two down. And they’re also now, after railing against the U.S. Government ad nauseum, going to argue that we can’t let this thing go, or we’ll all be goose stepping with the Euro-trash. Why aren’t the boys down in the secret bunker in Austin doing cartwheels of joy that the Evil Empire has relinquished the command and control of the internet, given a history of intimidation of free market exchanges, revelations of spying, and even killing Americans in “false flag” attacks on 9/11? Because you can give an ignorant redneck bully a bullhorn, but you can’t make him think. Hey Alex, wake up! That bullshit you’re preaching didn’t work for the John Birch Society and Jim Crow proponents, and it sure as hell won’t work for you.

Item 2You can’t say bossy because I said so, and you’ll like it. (Bullshit Courtesy of the Twats at Banbossy.com).

Gloria Steinem is a Twat, not a Cunt.

Image of a Twat courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

I have a serious issue to consider when I look over the banbossy.com website. Do I refer to these people as cunts, or twats? For me, cunt is a gender neutral word, best employed when I encounter a loud, close-minded and obnoxious parrot who hasn’t bothered to read anything from an opposing point of view, but is more than happy to beat me about the head and upper torso with a copy of the talking points they downloaded from a “trusted” source. A twat is feminine in my lexicon, and applies broadly to women who apply the “sexist” charge to anyone who isn’t “sensitive” enough to her beliefs and is not willing to throw some whipped cream on her bullshit and indulge with her.

We can dismiss the following statement from page one of the twats’ website as a prima facie example of bullshit based solely on the fact that it advocates for banning a disagreeable word:

When a little boy asserts himself, he’s called a “leader.” Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded “bossy.” Words like bossy send a message: don’t raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead.”

We can see in the example above that a strain of cuntiness flows through the false dichotomy presented. It paints all oppressive behavior as “assertiveness” and demands absolute acceptance, unless you’re a pig who never wants to see little girls grow up to be leaders. Is a little kid being assertive by demanding that everyone sit at a certain spot and do certain things at a fake tea party, or is the kid just an asshat control freak who wants to lord over her friends?

Here’s a tip: little boys don’t become leaders by being cunts to everyone else and telling them what to do all of the time. Those boys who try that tactic become universally despised as bullies, or end up getting a shit ton of wedgies, indian burns and wet willies as their friends outgrow them later on. Boys learn early on that to get cooperation, it is far more desirable to be perceived as cool and affable. A cunt would have no experience with affable behavior or social acceptance outside an extraordinarily narrow peer group, and would blindly walk around parroting bullshit that says people who disagree are sexist pigs.

Don’t be a bossy cunt if you want to succeed.

You don’t find any successful fathers running around telling their boys to push everybody around and be a complete cunt so he can get to the top. Check that, you do have to be a cunt from time to time to get to the top of some fields, but you can’t be a bossy cunt. It’s hard to stab someone in the back if you are in his face giving him orders he’ll ignore anyway. Cunts wouldn’t be savvy enough to comprehend the subtlety I just covered, but you get the idea.

I finally decided that the content quoted was the work of twats because it indicates a complete misunderstanding of leadership, adheres to a unisex view of human nature and melds those two failures into an illogical, yet cohesive, doctrinal position. I realized that I was looking at the work of misinformed twats, not malicious cunts. It’s still bullshit, but it is bullshit that is the result of ignorance, not malice. I hope this clears things up for the people who were on the fence.

Wait, you didn’t expect me to reply to the idea presented by the neo thought police in a serious way, did you?

Item 3Fucking with seven Russians is a serious imposition of sanctions that will prevent overt aggression. (Bullshit courtesy of President Barack H. Obama).

So we’re in the middle of a high stakes poker game with potential global conflict as the ante and World War III as a potential chip in the final stack. Each side has chosen their representative at the table. Only two countries could muster an entry fee. The United States has a community organizer named Barack Obama playing heads up against the Russian player and former KGB chief Vladimir Putin. Opening hand is dealt and Putin gets 2-7 off suit, while Obama gets pocket aces.

Obama bets half of his chips and Putin re-raises by half.  A trickle of sweat eases down Obama’s brow, and he flinches as he calls. The flop comes up Ace-King-King. Obama has a full house. Putin has nothing but a pair of kings with a 7 kicker. Obama checks the bet. Putin goes all in. Has Obama laid a clever trap to catch Putin coming over the top, or does he suspect that on the wildest odds of all time Putin has pocket kings? The world hangs in the balance. What can Americans expect from such an advantageous position?

The tells.

We’re proper fucked.

I don’t give a damn about Ukraine. It’s complete bullshit that we’re even involved. It’s more humiliating that we’re involved with the bearded capon running things now. Governor Bush was a warmonger, but at least there was no left wing endorsing his bullshit. There was a large swath of the population clamoring against him. Drone boy is a warmonger as well, but his midnight bombings of “terror groups” that include women and children seem to be less offensive to the former anti-war protesters.

While the subject of war isn’t trivial, the skill set of the president is. Now we have to deal with humiliation as well as the guilt of paying taxes to kill people we’ve never met and likely never would have with a constitutionally bound government. It’s not fun. It’s not good for the old self-esteem. And as I mentioned above, we’re proper fucked.

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One comment

  1. Like the attitude. But on a point of order? In British swearing, of which I am myself a grand master, a cunt has the connotations of someone being competently malicious. As in “That cunt Putin just fucked our shit”. Twat, on the other hand, is a term of contempt as in “That twat Obama just made us look like cunts”.

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